THE FUNKY WESTERN CIVILIZATION, PHASE II
(Tonio K.)
lets not twist again like we did last
summer
lets do something else; lets have some real fun
let us continue to exploit and abuse one another
its time to do
phase two of the funky western civilization
politely kill the person on your right
kill the person to your left
kill everybody in sight
promenade and kill yourself
all of those babies died just as i
suspected
its an election year; its time to buy another gun
(bang bang)
i dont know whos drivin now, and i aint
interested
its true, honey, its all true
theres nothing you can do
except the funky western civilization
you gently kill the person on your right
kill the person to your left
kill everybody in sight
do-si-do and kill yourself
get down
get funky
get up
be quiet
behave
beehive
or if she could
joan of arc joan of arc joan of arc joan of
arc if she could
would have said
something like this, shed say:
you can bullshit the baker
and you can get the buns
you can back out of every deal except one
if youll just kill the person on your
right
kill those people on your left
kill everybody in sight
levitate and kill yourself
kill the person on your right
kill those turkeys on your left
chances are they will not mind
do-si-do and kill yourself
©Worthless Music (ASCAP)
BABY DONT DO IT
(Tonio K.)
baby dont leave me here alone
baby dont do it
baby dont love me any more
baby she shoved me out the door
she wont let me look or touch
she said "hey, dont push your luck
treat me nice or dont come back"
and i sure hate to hear her talk like that
and i said baby
baby dont leave me here alone
baby dont do it
maybe im hallucinating, i dont know
but baby dont do it
cause i dont like the look of things out there
you dont even notice, you just dont care
baby dont do it
baby dont go
heres the problem:
i dont have a good thing to say
but i still say it anyway
i talk about thermal dayglo poisoning
that pesky russky death machine
starvation and the fate of the sinner
then i take her out to dinner
whats the matter baby, aint you hungry?
wait a minute
she dont have to put me out
i think that we could work it out (yes i do)
if she dont like this kick im on
then why dont she just prove me wrong?
oh baby
baby dont you do it
baby dont do it
©Worthless Music (ASCAP)
ILL WAIT HERE
(Tonio K.)
now im the guy that said whenever
possible
just to change your name and number
and wear dark glasses
and im always right except sometimes im wrong, you
know
now i may have failed the movie school
of dealin with disaster
i almost let a ray of hope get by
but you go ahead
ill wait here
you got your sweet young life to live
i live on fear
you go ahead
ill wait here
but dont you let them change your mind
and dont forget to watch the time
ill be right here
fortunately i remember everything
except of course the good times
i forget them fast
and you never see the darkness i see
luckily
you notice its not good but never just how bad
so ill shut up and hope that you dont ask
you go ahead
ill wait here
you got your sweet young life to live
i live on fear
you go ahead
ill wait here
but dont you let them change your mind
and dont forget to watch the time
ill be right here
(repeat chorus)
©Worthless Music (ASCAP)
DONT TALK TO ME
(Tonio K.)
when your lover leaves you standin in
the doorway
and your mother and your father pull the shades
and the neighbors they dont wanna know about you
and you realize you never had it made
when youre sittin on the other side of the table
with your bleedin broken heart out on your sleeve
when youve sold it all just to try and make the payments
on this ten-cent life you just cant seem to leave
dont talk to me
dont talk
i dont wanna hear about it
dont tell me how youre gonna change
i doubt it
when the only kind of time thats left
is nighttime
cause the daylight just cant make it through no more
and unknown persons roam the streets by torchlight
public safety unit knockin at your door
when the god of heaven threatens with the judgment
and the gods in washington hand you a gun
when you wanna buy a passport and just disappear into the heat of
the night
only there aint no place far enough to run
dont talk to me
dont talk
i dont wanna hear about it
dont tell me how its gonna change
i doubt it (dont talk to me)
dont talk to me
dont talk
i dont wanna hear about it
dont tell me how its gonna change (ha)
i doubt it
©Worthless Music (ASCAP)
DOGGYTOWN
(Tonio K.)
i dont love you and you dont
love me
but this is not a problem
cause you dont love nobody but yourself
and i dont love no one
so we go round and round
we go up and down
we go to doggytown
for a little while
if only you were just a little bit cooler
(you get so excited)
if only i was even cooler than you
id get us out of this crisis
instead we go round and round
we go bow wow wow
its just like doggytown around here
for a little while
you do the bark and honey, im gonna
growl
we will be howlin at the silvery moon above
doggytown
you got this fever but Im
feelin so sacred
could it be an illusion?
look at that look you got all over your face
is it love is it pain or confusion?
instead you go to doggytown
you just go bow wow wow
you go up and down
for a little while
(snap, snarl, growl, or bark )
©Worthless Music (ASCAP)
STORYTIME
(Tonio K.)
oh, its time to tell a truly stupid
story
one that doesnt matter
one so dumb no one could figure out what its about
no one will know, not even if they had to
im talkin about dumb
unusual, illogical, incredibly immature
so lets say we have a little boy and
girl
now lets add a puppy
suddenly right out of nowhere comes a
puppy-eating grody glob of boron seeking vengeance or something
ridiculous, its impossible, unscientific
in a word, its horse manure
does the glob eat the dog? no
do the boy and the girl run home? no
the dog and the glob hit it off, get a job with a circus
in a solar system not unlike our own
the boy and the girl get married sometime later
and they never even miss the little puppy
no they never really liked it
it was ugly
the end
it was a non-event
infinity is a lot like that
in fact, its mostly holes and negative space
(TK: For all these other little boys and
girls, and dogs and worlds, and strontium-90: Always remember
that Eastern religion rules. Shall we?
Nick: Certainly.
[howling and growling]
TK: Oh, youre getting carried away.
Nick: Sorry.)
©Worthless Music (ASCAP)
Yo no hablo español.©Worthless Music (ASCAP)
PARTY ON THE B RING
(Tonio K.)
they do it in paris
and they do it in rome
they do it in public
they do it in the finest private homes
they do it on the lunar surface
and in orbit around some distant sun
on the rings of saturn
you just can't stop the people when they wanna have fun
theres a party on the b ring
ride sally ride
theres a party on the b ring
ride sally ride
now theres a woman in college
and there's music in spades
and theres a woman in orbit
women and music all over the place
and theres a time for crying
and a time to laugh
and theres a time for singing
and a time for love
and ive got to dance
party on the b ring
ride sally ride
theres a party on the b ring
ride sally ride
never too loud
its never too late
and theres never a crowd
cause theres plenty of space in space
party on the b ring
ride sally ride
theres a party on the b ring
ride sally ride
yeah there's a party on the b ring
ride sally ride
theres a party on the b ring
ride sally ride
©N.Y.M. (ASCAP)/Naked Prey Music (BMI), admin. by Polygram Pub.
YOURE NEVER TOO SMART
(Tonio K.)
(got a problem? get the answer man
got a problem? get the answer man
got a problem? get the answer man
got a
? get the)
you better watch out
and you better not cry
better watch your step
better learn your lines
put your hat on your head
put your hand on your heart
cause youre never too smart
gotta make the grade
gotta take the heat
gotta fake some interest
shake, shake your money maker
got the next door neighbors
and the national debt
got a million problems
solve em with ink
but you better watch out
and you better not cry
better watch your step
better learn your lines
put your hat on your head
put your hand on your heart
cause youre never too smart
gotta name that tune
gotta solve for x
gotta get the picture
gotta pass the test
need imagination
nerves of steel
need a bright idea shinin out in the darkness
and you better watch out
and you better not cry
you better watch your step (watch your step)
you better learn your lines
now put your hat on your head
put your hand on your heart
cause youre never too smart
but wait a minute
shame on the workin man
shame on the poor
i guess they just havent been thinkin
but weve taken the cure
watch out
and you better not cry
better watch your step
better learn your lines
you better watch out
and you better not cry
better watch your step
better learn those lines
(got a problem? get the answer man)
©N.Y.M. (ASCAP), admin. by Polygram Pub.
THE HUNTER
(Tonio K.)
he stalks the night in silence
he walks the streets by day and waits
he watches for the perfect moment
for the perfect hunt to take his aim
and he looks
from the corridors of power
to the crowded streets of the shantytown
from the shoppin malls to the fields of clover
from the dance halls to the amazon
from the inner room to the outer darkness
from the station to the end of the line
from the jungle to the gates of eden
from creation to the end of time
and the sun comes up and the sun goes down
and this lonely world of flame
keeps turnin slowly round and round and round and round and
round
and the hunter is lookin for love
from california to the gulf stream waters
from the river jordan to the heart of darkness
from the empty quarter to the land down under
from the frozen north to the ecuador
from east of true east
to west of west
he is following a trail
he is trying to remember
he is following his heart
and he watches and waits and takes his aim
and the sun comes up and the sun goes down
and this lonely world of flame
keeps turnin slowly slowly round and round and round and
round and round
and the hunter is lookin for love
©N.Y.M. (ASCAP)/Naked Prey Music (BMI), admin. by Polygram Pub.
EVERYTHING, INCLUDING YOU, DISGUSTS ME
(Tonio K. and Nick van Maarth)
now this aint gonna be your standard
love song
but im calling it a love song just the same
and i really hope you like it
i want you to keep on smiling
i want everyone to join in all the reindeer game
yes i hope this is the one that gets you
happy
cause i swear to you its coming from my heart
i wrote it for the poor man
i wrote it for the rich man too
its for everybody here
its how i felt right from the start
and the chorus goes:
everything, including you, disgusts me
i can hardly stand to open up my eyes upon the day
your history books astound me
but since you people obviously surround me
i hope you had a good time anyway
all you sweating grunting trash beyond my
window
im telling you i love ya in my way
its just youre vicious and youre selfish
and you cant see beyond your face
and the worst part is im just like you
thats the part that i cant take
so you can see why
everything, including you, disgusts me
i can hardly stand to open up my eyes upon the day
yeah, your history books astound me
but since you people obviously surround me
i guess i hope you had a good time anyway
youve probably guessed by now that
everything, including me, disgusts me
i can hardly stand to open up my eyes upon my face
yeah, the daily news astounds me
but since this nonsense obviously surrounds me
im trying to have a good time anyway
(i hate you! why thank you, i hate me too!)
now its time to say goodnight
to all our company
m-i-c-k-e-y m-o-u-s-e
now its time to say goodnight
to all our company
m-i-c-k-e-y m-o-u-s-e
whats that spell?
mickey mouse (albert fish)
mickey mouse (albert fish)
forever let us hold our banner high
hey there hi there ho there
youre as welcome as can be
im talking about
m-i-c
see you real soon!
k-e-y
why not!
m-o-u-s-a
(a? a? why did he say a?)
©Worthless Music (ASCAP)
HARNESS THE HAMSTER/RODENT WEEKEND '76
(Tonio K.)
this isnt a song
its a speech
its a speech with a beat
and i say:
what energy crisis?
what international situation?
weve got no problems
these are often my replies to the questions
the people say:
you seem to be a thinking kind of guy
you seem to like to talk about it
you drone on and on and on about whats wrong
so you tell us palwhat it is?
i say:
hitch it upits immune to fear
and pain
hitch it upit hasnt got a brain
right down through the ages theyve been searchin for
the answer
hitch it up right nowharness the hamster
now im not talkin about just
any damn hamster
no asian greyno european black
i am of course talking about the fabled golden hamster of aleppo
discovered in the syrian desert in 1930
the golden hamster is relatively disease free and has a life
expectancy of two years
gestation period: 16 days, average litter: 7
the fastest breeding mammal in the world
think of it
figure it out
factor it out
statistically its 4.77 x 1015 hamsters per year
from each pair we breed in captivity today
(chorus)
think of it:
petroleum based industry converts and the machines burn hamsters
for the home: hamster burning furnaces, hamster ranges and ovens
then you have your foodstuffs:
hamster and eggs, hamster sandwiches, grilled hamster and cheese,
pressed hamster
an immediate end to hunger world wide
you could:
use the coats for clothing, carpets, insulationanything
for those who cant convert immediately:
teams of tens of thousands of hamsters harnessed to existing
automobiles
the station wagon becomes a stage coachthe old west lives!
the possibilities are limitless!
(chorus)
hamsters for peace
the friendly hamster
and even more important in these dark times:
hamsters serving proudly for the national defense
picture it: armies of millionsbillionsof combat
trained
golden hamsters amassed along the perimeters of the western world
hamsters trained in espionage
homing hamsters
hamsters fueling both long and short range delivery systems
sophisticated hamster launches
heat-seeking hamsters
biochemical applications:
infect and send them scurrying across the borders
i tell you the possibilities are absolutely limitl
etc.
[It goes on and on; you get the point.]
©1980 Worthless Music (ASCAP)