Vlad the Impaler
Who's the
real
Vlad the Impaler?
A lot of people will tell you that Vlad was a bloodthirsty 15th-century
prince of the Romanian province of Wallachia, who was fond of executing
people he didn't like—be they invading Turks, Saxons, Transylvanian
merchants, his own subjects who committed crimes or sins, or even
diplomats who wouldn't take their turbans off. Vlad is said to have been
responsible for the deaths of over 100,000 people during his six-year
reign, and his favorite method of killing was to impale his victims on
wooden stakes, hence the nickname "the Impaler."
But you shouldn't believe everything you
hear.
Vlad's
real name was reportedly Vlad Dracula, and we all
know Dracula lived in Transylvania and never impaled anybody on a wooden
stake—in fact, he made a point of avoiding wooden stakes in general if
he could help it. And I don't know if you've ever tried to impale 100,000
people in six years, but that comes out to nearly 50 people a day, which
is pretty hard work for one guy—especially if the people don't
want
to be impaled. Vlad certainly wouldn't have had time to sit for this nice
portrait if he'd been so busy killing people.
A few years ago, the truth about Vlad was
finally discovered—by none other than Tonio K. By a mysterious set of
circumstances, Tonio came into possession of a number of handwritten
letters signed by none other than Vlad Theimpaler. These letters revealed
that far from being a sadistic tyrant, Vlad was a mild-mannered, earnest
Romanian gentleman who emigrated to the United States early in the 1980s.
While thrilled and proud to be a new U.S. citizen, Vlad was puzzled and
saddened by some aspects of our culture, and undertook a one-man
letter-writing campaign against the excesses of American capitalism. Tonio
photocopied and sent the letters to some of his fans, and now they've been
published for the first time here on the World Wide Web.
How It Began: World of Poetry
The first of the Vlad Letters is
actually a poem. It seems that shortly after obtaining his American
Express card, Vlad received an invitation from a Sacramento company called
World of Poetry to submit a poem for publication in a book to be called
Our
Twentieth Century's Greatest Religious Poems, which he was also
invited to purchase for $29.95. The invitation was three pages long, but
here's an excerpt.
Vlad, being a
clever fellow, soon realized that the book was nothing but a "vanity
publication" and that World of Poetry was running a scam. (Tonio says
he looked up the company's mailing address and found that it was in a part
of Sacramento that wasn't safe in the daytime, let alone at night.) Vlad's
great 20th-century religious poem, "Vengeance Is His," perfectly
captures the feelings of rage and betrayal shared by all those who face
injustice. |

"Vengeance Is His"
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The
Letters
Vlad's poem gave him perhaps a sense of empowerment, but not fulfillment.
For that he turned to letter-writing, and over a two-year career he
produced more than a dozen sagacious and darkly comic missives, directed
toward some of the biggest targets in the American food and consumer
products industries. The letters are reproduced here exactly as Vlad wrote
them, down to the line breaks, including all vicissitudes of spelling,
grammar, and punctuation (his grasp of English at this point was still far
from perfect). Only Vlad's mailing address has been deleted. Vlad
sometimes, but not always, received responses to his letters, and those
are faithfully transcribed here as well. I hope you enjoy Vlad's fresh and
bracing perspective on American consumerism and socioeconomics. Vlad's pen
has been silent since 1987, but Tonio hopes he hasn't heard the last of
him. |
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Letter #1: Sugar Pops |
Reply |
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Letter #2: O.J.s |
Reply |
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Letter #3: Cracklin' Oat Bran |
Reply |
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Letter #4: Raisins |
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Letter #5: See's Candies |
Reply |
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Letter #6: M&M/Mars |
Reply |
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Letter #7: TV Toilet Paper |
Reply |
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Letter #8: Fruit & Fibre |
Reply |
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Letter #9: Fruit & Fibre #2 |
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Letter #10: Grape-Nuts |
Reply |
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Letter #11: Grape-Nuts #2 |
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Letter #12: Spoon-Size Shredded
Wheats |
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Letter #13: Health Valley #1 |
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Letter #14: Health Valley #2 |
Reply |
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Letter
#15: American Beauty
Pastas |
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Letter #16: Curad Bandages |
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Letter #17: Quality Paperback
Book
Club |
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